Marriage is in many ways a simplification of life, and it naturally combines the strengths and wills of two young people so that, together, they seem to reach farther into the future than they did before.
That was the sentence following "Welcome family, friends, and loved ones. We gather here today to celebrate the wedding of Emily & Jeremy" back on October 23, 2010. This concept of togetherness was reflected throughout our short ceremony, and really was the central theme. Beyond the wedding ceremony and vows though, that theme... those wills of two young people coming together as one... are truly tested. Daily. And simple? It's a nice thought -- but not very realistic. The give & take of marriage requires time, energy, compassion, understanding....love. It requires a crap-load more than that, too, but you get the gist and I have to get back to work here shortly ;). Jeremy and I, since we dated for some time before getting hitched, had to learn this give & take process early -- I think any long term relationship, married or not, demands it for success. Something does change though after saying 'i do' & legally binding yourself to one another (as if the mortgage loan wasn't enough -- kidding). The change is gradual. Eventually you speak to your in-laws in a far more assertive way, like you're an equal voice in that family as you are in your own. You no longer go through your husband, or vice versa, to communicate. This is something we haven't fully achieved yet -- definitely takes time. Perhaps when the first bambino is born, we'll be there. We'll have to be there.
Joining another family has been the hardest part of this give & take. I come from a very large, very spread-out family, who can see each other a few times a year and remain just as close, if not closer, as the day we moved out of our parent's house. All families are different. It would be basically impossible to marry into a family that was identical in dynamic to your own, especially in this day and age when there isn't really a stereotypical 2.5-child family any longer. And if you see yourself as one of the "lucky" ones, you can bet that you're literally the only person in the world that has that experience and, please, thank the marriage gods.
Different isn't bad. It's just...different. Family expectations vary. Family traditions and occasions don't always match up. Religion and politics get involved. It's tough. The compassion to see the other person's side is the only way, that I know of (please share with me if you have a different experience or tip), to get past these variances and pave your own way as a married couple. A balance and an understanding of that balance...together...as a team...as a unit....is vital. Being willing to compromise Easter for Mother's Day, for example, because you understand from communication with your partner and from learning about this other family, that Easter is a bigger deal for your in-laws than it is for your family, maybe. Or that a special tradition happens every year on Flag Day (I don't know), and without you guys there, it's not the same. Be there. Be there, because you might miss Thanksgiving or Savannah's Spring recital (god forbid) this year. Or the Sunday family get together. Might miss that. And that's OKAY! They'll get over it and, just like your original family did, they'll understand you and your relationship better overtime, making all of these nuances clearer and clearer.
What's the key here, you ask? Communication. Communication to both (or all three in our case) families....and most crucial of all -- to yourselves. Need to be a united front when breaking the news that seeing the Christmas lights with all 49 second-cousins on a Friday night after a long, winter week ain't happenin'. Or the social calendar has been overwhelming lately, and Taco Tuesday isn't gonna work this week, Mom & Dad. Setting boundaries and saying 'no' is OK. I'm learning that. Like my buddy Bethenny Frankel, I too come from a place of "yes", which is great. I wouldn't change that for anything, but being conscious of what gets a 'yes' and what gets a 'no', will help make a smooth transition into this new family, will help balance your other family(ies), and most importantly, overtime, will help EVERYONE get your identity as a couple.
To me, having our own identity, as Emily & Jeremy, and interests together, separate from our families keeps things even. This is a very personal thing, and varies couple to couple -- some may find their identity within their families. That's great, too. It's just not the case across the board.
So, just as we need in life, in general -- a balance is key. A balance for your original family. For your new family. For your marriage. For yourself.
I'm working on this daily. I don't know that I'll ever be able to stop. It's an ongoing process, just like many other aspects of marriage. I guess something to take from this post is perspective -- keep your partner's and your in-law's perspective in mind, but without compromising your own. Now THAT'S the challenge. All we can do is try our very best. And love the most we can.
-ERSM
